Partners on Opposite Sides of the Mountain

We often make the mistake of assuming that our view of a relationship is the only
correct view. We tend to see the relationship from our perspective, and we get mad or
frustrated when our partner doesn’t see it like we see it. And when our attempts to
convince or persuade our partner to see it our way fail, we get hurt.

But the reality is that no two people experience a relationship the same way. We
experience the same relationship, but from opposite ends of it. We’re two different peo-
ple, with two different backgrounds. We come from different families and have dif-
ferent formative experiences. We have different expectations about what we want
the relationship to look like, or what our roles as men or women should be. We are
often different genders, sometimes different races. Most importantly, we’re expe-
riencing only our half the relationship. Our partner is experiencing the other half.

All of this makes it challenging for any two people to feel the same way. It’s a lot like standing on opposite sides of a mountain. One partner is on the east side and one on the west. The east side may be trees top to bottom. The west may be rocks halfway up with a snow-capped peak. If we’re talking to
each other on our phones, we’re describing two very different views. Neither of us is
wrong, but we’re looking at the same mountain and seeing different sides of it.

In any relationship, we’ve got to understand that that our partner’s experience is
not our own. The art and craft of communication is all about, one, remembering this
when conflict arises, and two, being willing to hear what it’s like for the other person
on their side of the mountain. This takes patience and curiosity. Patience to hear
them out, and curiosity to ask questions and offer validation that make them feel heard and understood.

Once you understand what’s it’s like for them on their side of the mountain, you
can help them do the same. You can bring them around to your
side.

When we both understand what the other is experiencing, then we can start to
make some progress that feels fair, and reciprocal. Like a partnership. Like a rela-
tionship.

Of course, a relationship moves forward through time. And the way a relationship
evolves as it moves through time is a lot like the process of ascending a mountain.
It can be hard work, and we may slip and fall a few times, but we get closer to-
gether as we do it. Eventually we arrive at the top, where we can stand side by
side, seeing a much wider view from a similar perspective. It will never be exactly
the same view, because we’re two different people, but we’ll feel a lot closer when
we get there.

Climbing a mountain is hard work. So is a relationship. But as the great Dr. Seuss once said, “I never said it would be easy, I said it would be worth it.”