Couples Counseling: The Four Horsemen

In the Book of Revelation, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are described as death, famine, war, and conquest. In couples counseling, the Four Horseman of Relationship Apocalypse are often described as criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. These are the destructive relational patterns identified in Dr. John Gottman’s research that are common to unhappy couples. Each “horseman” refers to a different style of harmful communication that can make tough relationships worse, or even end them.

Criticism involves saying mean or unkind things about your partner’s character instead of talking about how you yourself feel. For example, “You always leave your dirty dishes in the sink,” sounds like a character attack, whereas “It would mean a lot to me if you would put your dishes in the dishwasher.” Your partner will likely perceive the former as criticism, and respond with defensiveness and anger. The latter is likely to be received less personally, more positively.

Contempt is when you act like you’re better than your partner by being intentionally sarcastic or mean. For instance, mumbling a snide comment under your breath, or rolling your eyes as you listen. It makes your partner feel unliked and unimportant. It pushes them away.

Defensiveness often involves shifting blame or making excuses for our behavior. For instance, if your partner says, “I feel like you’re not helping out enough around the house,” you might defend yourself by saying, “Well what about you? You could do more too!” This is a denial of responsibility that can escalate tensions, making it harder to resolve conflicts.

Lastly, Stonewalling is when you shut down and stop talking or listening during a fight. For example, your partner is trying to talk to you about a problem and you just turn away or leave the room without saying anything. This makes your partner feel ignored and unimportant, making things even harder to fix.

In Gottman couples counseling, we learn to catch ourselves demonstrating these relationship-ruining habits and replace them with better, more positive ones. Instead of criticizing, we practice talking about problems gently. Instead of showing contempt, we learn to show appreciation and kindness. When we feel the need to defend ourselves, we instead stop and try to understand and relate to our partner’s experience of the relationship, which is actually very different than ours. And instead of stonewalling, we learn how to take a break to calm down and come back later to talk things out.

Learning and practicing these alternatives to the Four Horseman can help heal a damaged relationship and build a stronger, happier future. Please reach out if you’d like to know more.

~ Mike